This year, although it hasn't even reach its middle yet, has been a very tough year.
I don't know what will follow, but until now it has been rough...
I have been to 2 funerals, and have heard at least 2 more deaths--and it hasn't even June yet!
I don't feel like doing anything, except imagining things and watching too much TV, my work is little, and I am lazy. I applied to some companies for an internship position, but none really got my attention and get me excited to work. Why am I applying anyway? At first I thought it was excitement.. but then I realized it was just because I'm afraid of not getting any internship later. And that made me picky. TOO picky. This ones too far, this ones doesn't seem good, etc. And now.. this is the worst. I am letting go of my French class for tonight. Yes, I deliberately missed my french class. It was an inconvenient timing, so I just sort of let it go. Instead I watched HIMYM and went blogging.
Is this growing old?
It's almost as if my feelings are riding in a hijacked roller coaster. Yes, I don't see how that's possible, but that best describes my feelings. Sometimes I feel optimist that the hijacker will fall off, and I'm off to having a good time on that roller coaster again, but sometimes I feel that the hijacker is holding tightly.. to me and to the car. He doesn't seem like he's going to let go at anytime. I know it doesn't make any sense.. but so is my feelings! They are nonsense. I don't feel quite the same when I first took this major. I was always excited.. I was always looking forward to do tasks, even though they're not always fun. I always have this saying 'If I don't do it now, tomorrow will have another thing coming' But now? I haven't even make the background paper we should be writing 2 weeks ago. And I said to myself WHATEVER. So, what's happening to me?
I thought going to Malaysia and talking to Velia's seemingly wise friend, Bang Una, gave me light upon my passion, upon what I've been so certain to call mine. But I guess it didn't. Yesterday I found Paolo Coelho wrote this on his Twitter: "It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path" see?
That's what I told everyone when they asked me why I took what I took as my major. I said, I can't do anything else. Am I really just that? Someone said that passion is something that you cannot see yourself NOT doing. Me? I don't know. I can't see myself doing anything else, but I didn't see whether or not I can live without doing what I'm doing now. Does it even make any sense? Sometimes I feel like I need someone that understand everything that I am going through without having to explain a lot of things first. I thought talking to some psychologist might help, but it didn't. I don't know is it just her or is it everybody. And I feel like I'm closing up. I'm burying myself under. I don't know how to get out and I don't know should I get out or should I just give in. I may look alright on the outside, because I'm not that expressive on that gloomy stuff, but my head is imprisoned. And they say that the darkest prisons are the ones without keys...
Does my head have a key?
