Writing

Lately I've been too caught up in things that I should do and learn, that I kinda forget that I also LOVE writing too! YES I LOVE IT! And I finally said it. I may not be a writer, but I do love writing. I write about anything, with one or mixed language as I please, I WRITE!

Okay, that outburst isn't without a reason..

This is the first week after mid-term exam and I actually kinda have nothing much to do after exams like this.

So I thought, with so much things going on, I should try to finish at least one thing. And that one thing in mind is, *drumroll* PORTFOLIO~! Yes, for those who don't know--everyone that is, in this 2-3 months I have to be able to (1) drive (2) have an internship job. Therefore, I should find a job and learn how to drive a car (properly) so that I can get to my workplace by driving, MYSELF. Yep. So, I thought I can't possibly learn to drive now, because the cars are all out with mom and dad, so why not make a portfolio? But as I scroll down every documents on my computer, I realized that I have lots of unfinished stories and a few short ones that are actually (kinda) finished. Out of curiosity, I opened one of them and start reading. And I thought that I am kinda good. Well, at least for my taste. HAHA. So.. That inspires me and reminds me that despite all the chaos in this world--my world, I still have one fast getaway car. My diary, my computer, or my blog. I know nobody's reading it, but so what? The last thing I need is to be judge :p although it is intriguing to find out what people would think of my writing ;p

Well..

Wish me luck in life :)

Funeral / Future

I've been thinking awfully too much lately..

Today as I was watching the telly, dad came in and asked me whether or not I want to come with him to a funeral. I asked him who died and he said that it was the father of who used to be my sunday school teacher. I said I don't know.. and ended up staying at home anyway.

I don't know what it is about funeral.. It's not because it's sad, mostly, I think.

It's more because I really have no idea how to behave in funerals. Especially in front of the loved ones, like the family or dear friends who got left behind. How do you expect me to do? And that's not retorical.. I really ask because I don't know. Would rather see me crying my eyes out--which is almost impossible unless I, at least, know the person--or sit quietly on the corner, or perhaps be bubbly, be as bright as the sunshine--stating that "HEY YOU KNOW WHAT, LIFE GOES ON BITCH, YOU'RE MISSING IT! HA!" I just don't know... I mean, we all know in wedding we're suppose to have fun, eat, chatting around, mingling, etc.. Babyshowers, birthdays, engagement parties, charity parties, concert... (starting to get out of line here) But FUNERAL? I have become the family or the loved ones that's being left behind. Twice, I think. Should be thrice, but the last one's kinda.... weirdly sad/not. So.. Anyways, it was only when my grandpas passed away. One was in 1998, the other perhaps in 2002(?) I'm not sure. And since I was very little then, I have no idea what's going on. I remember knowing that they died, but to understand something so complicated is.. different. Right?

And I'm not expecting--or hoping! to have to be the host of some funeral now.. I don't want to have to feel it myself. I wish people would just tell me what they want to see and what they want people to do when someone close to them died.. 

All these thinking about funeral and deaths really brings me back to this topic *drumroll*

F U T U R E

TADAHH~!

Yeah, I hate that word.

What am I going to do as soon as I graduate? Work? More school? Aboard?

Where will the money come from? Say the money's available, will I be brave enough? Say I decided to braven myself, will I last? Say I last, what will I do AFTER coming back to my own country? Work? What kind of work? Will I be what I've always envisioned myself to be? Will I have my own family? Do I even want to have my own family? What will I do when I'm on my deathbed and thinking 'Dammit I haven't even seen the world yet' or 'Damn I should've gone to Paris instead' or 'Darn I haven't even touched a snowflake!' WHAT WOULD I DO? WHAT WILL I BECOME? And the most important thing is, and the scariest one, will I lower my standard, and accept who I am even though its not what I envisioned it to be JUST because I'm scared that if I don't, I won't be happy? Yeah, it's a long sentence and probably very confusing to read. But... 

Dammit.

Maybe I need a shrink after all..

Speaking to myself probably don't bring any good... it's just sometimes I do find some answers.. Yes, from within. But I think this is something that requires a little more comprehension and stuff.

Whatever.

Douchebag and Foolish

My friend talked about 'love is a choice', lately..
She said that we have to be smart enough to choose who to fall for, and I couldn't agree more.
Why else would people stay single for a long time? Simply because we haven't found the right person yet, right? Or.. is it? How would we know it's the right person if we haven't try?

Yes, we humans make lots of choices over our lifetime..
There are the right ones and the wrong and bad ones.
How do we tell them apart before we take our choice?
See, I think a lot--although might not seem so, and I do get distracted a lot, so most of my thinking just goes into the black hole inside of my head--and I observe. When I may not be able to observe a lot of people, I observe myself. Sure it is hard to be objective, but I observing does give me a lot to think about, to pay attention to. So what I've got from observing..
There's absolutely no way to tell them apart.
You just choose what you believe, and deal with it. How you deal with it, THAT'S determined whether it's a good or bad choice. But before? I don't think there's anyway to tell...

See, we're humans, are a very complicated beings. One of the things that I keep saying that we aren't born satisfied. When we're on school, we wish for holiday, when we're on holiday, otherwise. We're also very curious, risks-taking, and sometimes foolish--but not knowing it until it is, sadly, too late. When we're faced with 2 options and we HAVE to choose ONE, we'll choose it, alright. But we'll spend, if not little, our own entire life wondering what would it be if we took the other. 

Of course we could try to make a list of the positives and the negatives of taking each options, but what would your heart say? *smirk*

We're a complicated beings because, IMHO, we have more than one guidance throughout our life. Animals have instinct. They know when they're hungry, who's nice, who's to love and why (the reason usually simple--because he is my master, like Dug in Up), what to do in danger, and all of those things they do, are based on instincts. Animals don't have what we have, "DOUCHEBAG" brain and "FOOLISH" heart. I'm calling our brain douchebag is because, most of the time, it is. Feeling snobby, know-it-all, trying to figure shits out with logic. Logic! And our foolish heart that simply won't stop saying the exact opposite of our douchebag brain... Why can't the two just get along? Besides, hearts are foolish because it is simply too easy to fool! The brain's too smart for that, but then again, logic? Heart knows no logic! So there you go.. War inside of your system.. 

Well, talking about this, I simply can't write a great closure, heck, even just a closure is hard to make when the topic's as silly. Because apparently, hearts can be wrong to, you know. Why? Because it doesn't have brain.

Sorry if it's not funny :p

The Somewhats

somewhat sweet
somewhat lovely

never met one like this
not the usual, is all i can say
people say when one's in love
all the love songs start making sense
so why only the painfuls?

somewhat painful

is it because we're on a different boat
is it because we're not suppose to be
the somewhats we wouldn't know

someone else was made for you
someplace else would i find mine
sometime later when we're no longer

because somehow
we wouldn't be forever