Funeral / Future

I've been thinking awfully too much lately..

Today as I was watching the telly, dad came in and asked me whether or not I want to come with him to a funeral. I asked him who died and he said that it was the father of who used to be my sunday school teacher. I said I don't know.. and ended up staying at home anyway.

I don't know what it is about funeral.. It's not because it's sad, mostly, I think.

It's more because I really have no idea how to behave in funerals. Especially in front of the loved ones, like the family or dear friends who got left behind. How do you expect me to do? And that's not retorical.. I really ask because I don't know. Would rather see me crying my eyes out--which is almost impossible unless I, at least, know the person--or sit quietly on the corner, or perhaps be bubbly, be as bright as the sunshine--stating that "HEY YOU KNOW WHAT, LIFE GOES ON BITCH, YOU'RE MISSING IT! HA!" I just don't know... I mean, we all know in wedding we're suppose to have fun, eat, chatting around, mingling, etc.. Babyshowers, birthdays, engagement parties, charity parties, concert... (starting to get out of line here) But FUNERAL? I have become the family or the loved ones that's being left behind. Twice, I think. Should be thrice, but the last one's kinda.... weirdly sad/not. So.. Anyways, it was only when my grandpas passed away. One was in 1998, the other perhaps in 2002(?) I'm not sure. And since I was very little then, I have no idea what's going on. I remember knowing that they died, but to understand something so complicated is.. different. Right?

And I'm not expecting--or hoping! to have to be the host of some funeral now.. I don't want to have to feel it myself. I wish people would just tell me what they want to see and what they want people to do when someone close to them died.. 

All these thinking about funeral and deaths really brings me back to this topic *drumroll*

F U T U R E

TADAHH~!

Yeah, I hate that word.

What am I going to do as soon as I graduate? Work? More school? Aboard?

Where will the money come from? Say the money's available, will I be brave enough? Say I decided to braven myself, will I last? Say I last, what will I do AFTER coming back to my own country? Work? What kind of work? Will I be what I've always envisioned myself to be? Will I have my own family? Do I even want to have my own family? What will I do when I'm on my deathbed and thinking 'Dammit I haven't even seen the world yet' or 'Damn I should've gone to Paris instead' or 'Darn I haven't even touched a snowflake!' WHAT WOULD I DO? WHAT WILL I BECOME? And the most important thing is, and the scariest one, will I lower my standard, and accept who I am even though its not what I envisioned it to be JUST because I'm scared that if I don't, I won't be happy? Yeah, it's a long sentence and probably very confusing to read. But... 

Dammit.

Maybe I need a shrink after all..

Speaking to myself probably don't bring any good... it's just sometimes I do find some answers.. Yes, from within. But I think this is something that requires a little more comprehension and stuff.

Whatever.